The Art of Saying "No": Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Setting boundaries in relationships can be daunting. Whether it's with your significant other, mother-in-law, co-worker, neighbor, or friend, sometimes, it can be really awkward trying to create and maintain boundaries. In the short-term, avoiding conflict and pleasing the other person may feel easier, but voicing the things that matter to you is important for the health and vitality of your relationship. To help give you a boost, we're going to dive into the different types of boundaries, as well as some healthy boundary setting strategies.

Defining Boundaries

Let's get started by properly defining what boundaries are. According to Simply Psychology, boundaries are "personal limits that individuals create for themselves in order to protect their well-being, values, and sense of self within a relationship (Drescher)." In other words, boundaries are like circles we draw in the sand around ourselves so other people can see where they should stand. Boundaries uphold the things that are important to us and allow for mutual respect between parties. They help communicate our needs, wants, desires, and comfort levels.

Different Types of Boundaries

There are multiple kinds of boundaries that are important for relationships, but here are some key players:

• Physical Boundaries: These boundaries are the guidelines we establish to protect our physical space and bodies. Like the other types of boundaries, physical boundaries are dependent on the individual. For example, some people love to give and receive hugs, while others do not like to be touched.

• Emotional Boundaries: Emotional boundaries help define how emotionally available we are to others and safeguard our personal space. Figuring out if an emotional boundary is needed can be a little tricky because emotions aren't tangible, but being in tune with how another person makes you feel can be a good indicator of whether or not a boundary is needed.

• Financial Boundaries: These boundaries create rules and guidelines as to how you lend money, share financial responsibilities, invest and save, and create spending limits. Maybe someone keeps asking you to lend them money or you may need to restrain yourself from making unnecessary purchases. Don't be afraid to create boundaries for both others and yourself.

• Sexual Boundaries: These boundaries help set limits on what you're comfortable with sexually, the pace at which your relationship progresses, and your privacy and sharing. Taking the time to create and voice your sexual boundaries before engaging in sexual activity will help ensure your safety and comfortability.

• Time Boundaries: Time boundaries help to upkeep your energy levels, reduce your stress, manage your time effectively, and fulfill your responsibilities. It's okay to let others know that you're happy to share your time with them, but other things need your time as well.

Putting Boundaries in Action

The first step in establishing a boundary is to recognize that a boundary needs to be made. Maybe someone isn't respecting your personal space, or they make decisions without asking you, or perhaps they share a lot of personal struggles with you that are beginning to drain you. These are instances where a boundary should be set in order to maintain the relationship you have with the person and foster mutual respect.

The next step is to begin communicating the boundary to the other person. This part can be a little scary, but it's important to be open and honest. An article by Positive Psychology says that setting boundaries "requires you to assert your needs and priorities as a form of self-care (Nash and Millacci)." If the other person respects you, they will listen, respect your needs, and respect the things that are important to you. While it may be uncomfortable to start up a conversation about how you're feeling, as a result, your relationship will strengthen and you will feel relief.

Maintaining Your Boundaries

Lastly, it's important to uphold your boundaries. Over time, people may need a reminder of what your boundaries are. For example, maybe you've told your aunt that you are not comfortable with her kissing your new born baby. She respects this boundary for a couple of months, but then begins to kiss your baby again. To uphold the boundary, you can say something like "it is so sweet how much you love my baby, but I still don't feel comfortable with anyone else kissing her."

Upholding boundaries ensures that others do not step over, forget or ignore your boundaries. It takes a little bit of confidence, but a little will go a long way!

Recap

Remember, the three steps to creating boundaries are to identify, take action, and maintain. While establishing boundaries can seem scary at first, hopefully, with this simple breakdown, you'll have a little more confidence to get the ball rolling.

But if you're still struggling with boundaries, we can help. Alight offers free relationship classes which can help identify boundaries that need to be made, as well as work through strategies that will target the areas that are especially hard for you. Don't be embarrassed to seek help. Everyone needs boundaries! :)

Works Cited

Curtis, Tiffany, and Tiffany Lashai Curtis. “6 Ways to Set Financial Boundaries.” NerdWallet, 10 January 2023, https://www.nerdwallet.com/article/finance/setting-boundaries.

Drescher, Anna. “What are Boundaries in a Relationship?” Simply Psychology, 1 March 2024, https://www.simplypsychology.org/relationships-personal-boundaries.html.

“15 Types of Healthy Boundaries And How To Communicate Them - Center for Mindful Therapy.” Center For Mindful Psychotherapy, 15 June 2023, https://mindfulcenter.org/15-types-of-healthy-boundaries-and-how-to-communicate-them/.

Nash, Jo, and Tiffany Sauber Millacci. “How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships.” Positive Psychology, 2018, https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/#set-boundaries-find-peace-a-review.

Wulfsberg, Kirsten. “What are boundaries? A professional counselor explains.” Colorado State University, 2025, https://engagement.source.colostate.edu/what-are-boundaries-a-professional-counselor-explains/.